Abiding a finicky eater…

I am.. for the most part.. a very bland eater. I don’t divulge in the diverse cacophony of concoctions that the culinary world confers. (A is for.. alliteration!)

My wife jokes about the fact that she, in the 24 years of our marriage, has mastered 5 dishes. Those dishes are the only ones that I will eat. (Truth be told, it’s not 5… it’s probably 6… maybe 7.. unless you include salad, in which case, maybe 8.)

Seriously folks, I’m a finicky eater.

Add to that the fact that somewhere in my self diagnosed OCD brain, foods should be eaten separately and individual from other foods, in their entirety, before moving to the next portion, and that those foods should not ever touch (EVER) on the same plate or risk cross contamination, and therefore be relegated to inedible status, my dietary apprehension is something of a hindrance toward trying new things.

So when it comes to combining foods together, I am a bit of a novice.

However, when it comes to foods that should never be combined, well, on that matter I can speak as one of the expert or Master level.

To start…

Broccoli and, well, anything. This is a disgusting food, no matter how much cheese sauce or ranch or whatever you drown it in. The stalks taste horrible, the tree part gets stuck in your teeth, and the texture is just… vomit worthy.

Follow that up with hot sauce and anything. Hot sauce sits in the
same status as broccoli, in that it just shouldn’t be consumed. I give you that I am not one for the spicy side of the food life, so adding hot sauce to anything is just like instant ruination. (pepper is about as spicy as I get.) Plus, it burns going in and burns coming out.. which ever end it decides to evacuate your body from.

Next…lasagna with vegetables. Ok, so this is more a cardinal sin then it is something I don’t care for, but come on people! Lasagna is pasta, cheese, meat and sauce. Stop trying to make it healthy, it’s just.. wrong. All you health nuts out there, I see what you are trying to do, sneaking in healthy bits all camouflaged in Italian goodness. I’m watching you.

Lastly (because, I don’t want to make this a novel of the things I hate), there is the combination of fruits and vegetables. Look, I like my salad to be salad and I like my fruit bowls to be fruit bowls. Those things do not mix in any fashion into tasty just because you sprinkle some vinaigrette on it. Keep your strawberries and blueberries for my dessert (or pastries) and let me enjoy my salad as God intended… with vegetables.

So, if you do happen to bring over some re-imagined idea of how food should be and expect me to partake in the delicacy that you have endeavored to change my fancy, just don’t be surprised if you see me staring at your plate and then just give you this look…