As I was driving into work today, I was watching the clouds. A habit I tend to do a lot I must admit. There is just something about the way they look, the way they roll across the horizon, the way they form, the way they are never really the same.
And they are always there.
It wasn’t until today that I think I actually figured out why I like looking at them. It’s that constant state of change. It reminds me of life. Mine specifically. How nothing is ever the same. Always moving, always changing. It’s something I have to learn to accept, and even if I don’t, the change is going to happen.
That’s the part the sucks. There are times I really like where I am at. I am enjoying how my life is going. I get into this almost content state where I can finally take a breath and then…
Change happens. It has become one of the few constants in my life I have come to rely on. Rely? Hrm, maybe a better way of putting that is.. one of the few things in my life that I know is going to happen.
On the flip side of that coin, however, when things are going bad, I just can’t seem to wait for the change. It doesn’t come along soon enough, quick enough, or noticeable enough. I feel like the situation or circumstance I am in is just where I am going to end up being.
Then slowly, imperceptibly, it all changes. There is a word for that kind of change in psychology. Inattentive blindness or change blindness. It’s one of those two. Where we just don’t notice the change because it happens so slowly.
That’s where the clouds come in. There is comfort in that knowledge that change is coming. Or maybe there isn’t.
I don’t know these days. Mainly cause I really am not a huge fan of change.
And I am really hating this free writing. I am thinking about everything I just wrote, thinking about how forced it feels, how trite it is coming across. Almost preachy or something.
I really just want to delete it. Been feeling that way about a lot of my writing as of late. That’s kind of annoying actually, like I can’t put together anything that is worth reading, at least what I assume others would want to read.
And yet… I keep on writing.
Just in hopes that someone out there will like what I right, will see it, acknowledge it, comment on it.
Seems self serving.
Who knows, maybe that will change someday too.