Nothing can be quite as annoying as having to watch something that has been remade from a childhood memory that you love and adored. Over the last few summers, I have had the pure privilege (read that as sarcasm) of watching Hollywood rape my childhood memories and twist and contort them into some flash in the pan excuse to separate me from my money.
I can’t really say anything nice about any of these movies except I’m not really sure what they bribed Peter Cullen with in order to have him come back and voice Optimus Prime. Gone are the days of watching cheesy cartoons where Starscream whines to Megatron, Megatron fails utterly, Optimus is the hero we all wish we could have in our lives and Bumblebee is the reason that every episode happened.
Here to stay? Wrecking ball testicles. Really?
Ok, seriously, how do you make Snake Eyes lame? Put him in these movies. What a disaster. How do you kill a beloved franchise? You put them in power armor and have them fail at living up to even a minor portion of what made the cartoon fun to watch. I could have made a better movie with my action figures and stop motion, and I don’t have the action figures anymore. And Marlon Wayans?
What did we get new? Cussing. Yep, G.I. Joe now uses profanity. Ugh. Oh, and we got Marlon Wayans (you can’t see it, but I’m shaking my head).
Now this one. I sat and watched the whole thing and wished I had gotten back my money, my time and the brain cells this movie caused to die of suicide. I’m pretty sure that my eyes revolted on during this and caused my sight to get worse. Now, I loved the show as a kid, but this movie took everything that was the show, kept the names of the characters and threw the rest of it away. This was not the Bo and Luke Duke of years gone by. This was just an abomination of crude jokes, Jessica Simpson in a bikini, and stupidity thrown into a blender and regurgitated back onto the silver screen.
How bad was it? So bad that after several years, I still kind of want to throw up in my mouth from having watched it.
Now, I’ll give you, I have watched the originals again as an adult, and the luster that these shows had for me as a kid has worn off, but I have fond memories of them. To watch what has become of them all for the sake of a reminiscent buck is appalling.
Seriously Hollywood, stop raping my childhood.