I love to cook. That being said, I don’t. At least not very often.
Part of the reason is that even in cooking simple macaroni and cheese, a process that should take any ordinary person 20 minutes, ends up taking me close to an hour. Why? Cause, well, I’m not ordinary.
But here is the process that tends to take place, and for length and time, I will leave the steps to just making the aforementioned mac&cheese.. and as this is for posterity sake, I’ll be honest.
Step 2) Notice the counter could use a cleaning.
Step 3) Grab a paper towel and Clorox, spray and clean counter.
Step 4) Wash hands clean then dry hands with new paper towel.
Step 5) With wet paper towel in hand, walk back over to the box and notice the stove is dirty.
Step 6) Repeat Steps 3 and 4.
Step 7) Finally satisfied with the cleanliness of the counter and stove, grab a clean pot to cook in.
Step 8) Wash the pot
Step 9) Repeat Step 4.
Step 10) Dry up the water on the counter that splashed there from the pot cleaning with the paper towel.
Step 11) Repeat Step 4.
Step 12) Fill pot with water and place on stove, turning on stove.
Of note, we are at about 15 minutes into the process at this point
Step 13) Salt water and grab clean cooking utensils.
Step 14) While water is coming to a boil, wash the utensils.
Step 15) Repeat Step 4.
Step 16) Notice the other counter is dirty… ish.
Step 17) Repeat Steps 3 and 4.
Step 18) Water finally at a boil, dump in macaroni.
Step 19) Stir macaroni.
Step 20) Grab clean colander.
Step 21) Clean the colander.
Step 22) Repeat Step 10 and 11.
Step 23) Test softness of macaroni. Once to al dente move to step 24.
Step 24) Dump macaroni into colander and shake to remove trapped water.
Step 25) Dump macaroni back into pot.
Step 26) Look for a pair of scissors to open the Velveeta cheese sauce packet. (it’s the only kind we eat out of a box)
Step 27) After 3 minutes of looking into the same drawers 10 times, give up and grab a knife.
Step 28) Clean knife.
Step 29) Repeat Step 4.
Step 30) Cut the Velveeta cheese sauce packet with a knife because someone has absconded with all 3 sets of kitchen scissors.
Step 31) Make a huge deal about how the scissors are never where they are suppose to be.
Step 32) Clean the knife that was used to open the sauce packet.
Step 33) Repeat Step 4.
Step 34) Place the empty sauce packet into the empty box and throw into the garbage.
Step 35) Stir the macaroni thoroughly into the cheese sauce.
Step 36) Yell “Dinner is done.” to the other people in the house.
Step 37) Forget there are other people in the house and serve my own plate.
Step 38) Sit in my seat (its the one on the left hand side of the long couch) and take a bite of mac&cheese.
Step 39) Realize I forgot my drink in the kitchen.
Step 40) Politely ask for someone to hand me my cup.
Step 41) After 30 seconds of no response, get up and get it myself.
Step 42) Declare, under my breath, I am not cooking again.