I am not that mysterious. I am not even sure if I would know how to be if it was a required thing. If anything, most would say I tend to over share, especially in areas that make most uncomfortable. I like to think that I am an open book, but the truth be told, I only really share a dust cover aspect to who I am.
There are those that would say that it is because I am brash, tactless, or uncouth. Some would say it is because I just don’t have a filter when it comes to certain things. And still others would say that there is something seriously wrong with me or that I am just simply weird.
Can I let you in on a dirty little secret?
It’s none of those.
Ok, fine, it wasn’t that dirty, and it’s really not a secret, but more to the point, the reason I am that way has nothing to do with any of the above mentioned reasons, and probably has nothing to do with the reasons that most would assume that might have not been covered.
Simply put, I have a very large red button in my personality that sends me spiraling out of control when ever anybody even gets close to it.
Ok, maybe that button isn’t that big, and by even admitting I have this button in my character, I can already see the people who know me wanting to find out exactly what it is and how they can press it (cause, yeah… family). However, even though it really isn’t that hard to figure out, that is not the purpose of this post, but more over, why my personality is so quirky when it comes to be brash, harsh, or reclusive. I really don’t think I have a happy medium.
Put simply, it’s my defense. It’s meant to keep you at a distance and protect myself from those who would love nothing more than to dance on my flaws or, for those less inclined to be malicious, from accidentally doing something that triggers my spiral.
Trust me, I know I have issues. I am not blind to them, and there are times when I leave a conversation and think to myself, “What did you just say? Seriously, you should apologize for that.” Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I just want to shut off the world and hide behind the safety of my computer screen. At least here, I can gauge my words, put them in order and control my flaws so everyone just thinks I’m mostly normal.
Right? You think I’m mostly normal don’t you?
Just kidding. Kind of.
This defense mechanism has caused me to be controlling and rigid. I will take over conversations and bend them around so that the focus is off of me. I argue points in a manner that keeps me from being wrong, leaving myself an out just in case. I make statements to throw you off, usually bold and controversial, sometimes just off-putting (sex is a great topic for this). All in the name of keeping that wall up.
It when I am like this that people often ask my wife, “How can you be married to such a man as this?” She tends to just smile in her gracious way and say, “He’s not like this at home.” Which is true. When it’s just her and I… well, she sees past my BS and says something like, “Be still,” or “I see you.” Most of the time that works (most).
And then, there are the other times. The times when I shut down. When my walls are so high up, when my defenses are at DEFCON 1, and I am in full protect mode. When I am like this, everyone knows. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve (a comment I totally understand, but really.. where did it come from?) I get very sullen and withdrawn, my face turns dour and I walk around like a wounded puppy… or is that wounded soldier who lost his puppy… yeah, something like that.
This is usually because someone has come close to hitting that button. Probably because I let my guard down, letting someone in the perimeter and they did something to trigger this response. Knowingly or unknowingly doesn’t really matter. But it puts into play this whole scenario.
So there you have it. More information about me then you probably wanted to know, and a lot of left out stuff that you might be curious about. Or not. Either way…
There you have it.
My unopened book.
In response to The Daily Post's writing prompt: "A Mystery Wrapped in an Enigma."