Tag Archives: Christmas

20 WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA CLAUS

20 WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA CLAUS

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas” and “Go away Santa.”

7. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until that huge cake arrives.

9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. :)” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa. :(”

11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

From Mikey’s Funnies

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The Obligatory Gift

This Christmas season has seen an addition added to my life. Not one in the form of physical manifestations, but one more of intellectual acquirement. I would normally say of a thing such as this as, “adding another wrinkle to the old gray matter.” So what is this new fangled thing? A phrase, and one that I truly have yet to grasp the full content of, because the words that create this phrase stand in such diametric opposition to each other as to nullify the result. At least in my head. The phrase is “obligatory gift”. To give you the full meaning of this phrase, I place it into the context of the sentence it was first introduced to me with: “They got me a gift, now I have to go out and get an obligatory gift in return.” Feel free to tilt your head to the side and look at the screen with a stupid expression on your face, I’m sure it would mirror the one that I gave to this person after stating the sentence above. Continue reading The Obligatory Gift

I don’t want to grow up…

geoffrey_giraffeYeah, there is just something about that jingle that takes me right back to the days of me and my two brothers circling things in the department store catalogs before Christmas. It was our makeshift Christmas lists, and although we were fairly certain that we would not be getting the G.I. Joe Carrier, the U.S.S. Flagg, you just had to circle that thing, because… who knew, Santa might be extra generous this year.gi-joe-aircraft-carrier

Over the years, I stopped circling things in catalogs. I stopped making Christmas lists. Somewhere along the line, I became the guy who ended up filling those lists, filled with sugar plums (which I just recently found out are a candy and not some kind of sugar-coated fruit… ok, it is a sugar-coated fruit, but not the way I was thinking…) and faerie wishes and toys that would make any small child squeal with delight on Christmas morning. Continue reading I don’t want to grow up…