Confessions


There are things that I want to write that I don’t.

There are times when a thought comes to my mind and I mull it over, flipping it this way and that, tearing it apart and think to myself,

“Self, that would be awesome.. but…”

And yes, I do actually call myself ‘self’ when I am talking to.. um..myself.

Myself (just had to do it one more time).

I had this conversation with my wife the other day after I had written a piece that was very intense, but included thoughts that would just not be acceptable by the group of people who I associate with. It was real, it was gritty, it was intense.

It was erased.

I felt.. I don’t know. I felt wrong? I guess that’s the word I should use. Like if I posted this piece people would judge me or look at me differently, or disassociate with me.. or associate my writing with a walking away from my beliefs.

I’m not.

Just so you know.

I still believe in Jesus. I still have faith in what He did for me on the cross, the tomb and the rest. I’m not angry at God, the church, or the people of the church, and I still go at least every Sunday.

But… therein lies the issue. I have been a volunteer youth minister for most of my adult life. I lead my current churches youth group for over 3 years. I have students who, I assume, still look up to me. But I want to be real in my writing.

For instance, right now, I am struggling with even posting this, so if you are reading this, well, I won.. lost.. or.. something.. that particular battle. Will it go to my Facebook, Twitter, or any of the other social media hubs that I post my work on? I don’t know. (FYI, I’m writing this at 3:08 on Friday, October 10th.. so… )

Am I wrong for having this desire for freedom in my expression? Am I wrong for not wanting to be the stumbling block that may cause some of my students to look at me (or God) different? Am I wrong for even thinking (or being arrogant enough to think) that I could cause that?

I’ve thought about creating a pen name. Well, actually, I should say I have thought about finally using the name I came up with years ago. I just don’t know if that is the answer or a cop-out.

Granted, I don’t even know if I am good enough to have to worry about that, cause who knows if anyone actually reads my stuff. (no, that’s not self-loathing or a call for comfort, just a reality check on my ego.. of sorts)

Maybe I just put too much pressure on myself… wouldn’t be the first time in my life I had an over inflated sense of self. I don’t think I do it on purpose, but it’s more out of a sense of responsibility… a responsibility that I take very seriously. At least, I think I do.

I know others have done it. Merged their faith with their writing, and have been successful at it. I just don’t know how to do it and remain true to me.. the writing.. the idea… something like that.

(the following part was added today 10/23)

I’ve had several days to stew over this, still not sure if I should post it. It’s pretty open about my struggles and, as I have said, I know people I know read this.. (I know, I know, too many knows…)… I’m a little more at rest inside myself these last few days, almost as if just admitting this has been cathartic (question, is that a combination of catholic and cardiac? Like the way I assume one would feel going into a confessional? anyway…)

In the end I think I have to just come to terms with It is going to be what it is going to be. And if I am happy with what it is, than that should be ok.

Now, anyone got any advice on how to be happy with my own writing?

Seriously? Anyone?

pingback

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8 thoughts on “Confessions

  1. I try to be edgy in my writing but there are some things that I write and I think, ‘no way can I post this.’ All the same, I think I’ve hit a happy medium and I’m a little more comfortable in my own skin because I think readers know what to expect of me and know that I am mostly joking. Not really trying to be self centered but maybe you can relate this to yourself?

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  2. Thank you for your honest post. It reminds me of this:

    “How odd I can have all this inside me and to you it’s just words.”
    ― David Foster Wallace, The Pale King

    For me, the struggle isn’t in the words or in writing, nor is happiness found in finding the right words or creative wording. The struggle is to be understood, to make and feel a connection and be at peace with what’s in us…and it’s a lifelong struggle.

    Sorry, no words of wisdom only empathy.

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  3. Here’s the thing about writing… It’s not just about writing what we believe or want to believe, it’s also about putting into words our greatest hopes and fears. Faith without doubt is nothing. Seriously. Christian doctrine proclaims that God gave you freedom of thought — individuality, knowledge, etc… And that is why you’re allowed to struggle with your Faith, and yes, even write about it. No god worth their salt wants blind followers unless they’re looking for cannon fodder.

    Have you ever read Stephen King’s “On Writing”? He wrote about stuff like that. About sifting through the stuff in your mind and what gets left behind is what you write about. Sometimes it’s things you never thought you’d ever put on paper (or screen), but it’s there, and you’d just got to set it to word. That’s what writers do. It’s how our minds work. I know not about incorporating my faith into my work, but my demons… it’s much the same thing. I guess what I’m saying is, I feel ya. Best of luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I know what you mean. I don’t write about anything substantial. I used to, but I decided to walk the tightrope. The middle of the road. Vering neither too far left or right. You know…..being wishy washy. i find my lack of opinion and commitment increases my audience and popularity.
    On the other hand if I ever get under conviction to take a stand…then I do what any man with my courage would do. I’ll start a new blog under a pen name. I’ll probably call myself “Bic”. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. We are prisms for God’s light. It refracts through us and we shine In our own colours. Be yourself. Write what you feel; some will be drawn towards you, some away.
    “If you are worried about what other people think of you, just remember how little they do”–Dr. Phil.

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