Category Archives: Funny

“TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS” (The Navy Version)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, compartments were still, The sailors were sleeping, as most sailors will.
The ditty bags hung by the lockers with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The men were all peacefully dreaming in bed As visions of liberty danced in each head.
The Chief in his skivvies, hopped into his rack, Having just came from town and a quick midnight snack.

When out on the deck there arose such a roar, I ran to the porthole to  find out the score.
I stuck out my head and started to shout, “Just what in the world is this noise all about?”
A moon made for boondocking showed with a glow, It was downright cold out, ’bout seven below.

What I saw out there looked like those Mardi Gras floats, T’was a Captain’s gig drawn by white Navy goats.
In the boat was a man who seemed quiet and moody, I knew in an instant St. Nick had the duty.
As quickly as Monday his Billy goats came, He whistled and shouted and called them by name.

“Now Perry, now Farragut, Dewey and Jones, What’s the matter John Paul, got lead in your bones?
A little to Starb’rd, now hold it up short, No fluffing off now, or you’ll go on report!”

He was wearing dress “Reds” that fit like a charm, His hash marks they covered the length of his arm.
The gifts to be issued were all in his pack, The gedunk was ready to leave on each rack.
His eyes they were watering, his nose caked with ice, He wiped it with canvas, then sneezed once or twice.
He opened his mouth and started to yawn, It looked like the Sun coming up with the dawn.

The stump of a pipe, he held tight in his teeth, And took a small nip from a bottle beneath.
He wasn’t so big, but he must have been strong, I figured he’d been in SEALs early and long.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old Tar, Who said “Evenin’ Matey, here have a cigar.”
He filled every seabag with presents galore, And left us all leave papers, right by the door.

With “Anchors Aweigh” he climbed back into place, A broad smile was  creeping all over his face.
One look at his watch and he started to frown, “This mid-watch is certainly getting me down.”
Then out to the breakwater and into the night, The gig started fading, the landscape was bright.

“Merry Christmas” he said, as he drove on his way, Now I’ll finish my rounds and sack in for the day.”

*****

From Mikey’s Funnies, a daily email I receive.

Top 10 Wrong Ways To…

From an email I get from Mikey’s Funnies

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TOP 10 WRONG WAYS TO INITIATE YOUR SON INTO MANHOOD

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.

9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.

8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.

7. Eat until you’re about to burst and then ride the Screamin’ Hurler roller coaster.

6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue.

5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, “You da man!”

4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom’s “personal things.”

3. Give him Grandma’s lime green Gremlin with personalized license plates that say, “TUFFGUY.”

2. Send the womenfolk shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.

1. Shot put catching.

A Little Steven Wright…

It’s the Friday before a three-day weekend! What better way to start that off than with some humor? My dad sent me this email a while back (so apologies if some of these are not accurate) and I thought, hey, why not post it for everyone to enjoy. If you have never seen Steven Wright, well, you have missed out on his deadpan monotone humor (which I absolutely love). Let everyone know which was your favorite in the comments, mine just happens to be 1 through 35… So without further ado…

The Quotes of Steven Wright:

Continue reading A Little Steven Wright…

Summer A…

Or should that be…

Summer, eh?

No… this is college. College needs be taken seriously. Yes? Now, straighten up. Better. Continue.

Ok, fine. Hrmphf.

So, Summer A starts today. For those who don’t know, in college, they split the summer semester up into to two 42 day chunks and push an entire 3 credit class into it. Basically, it’s the college equivalent of loading a clown car for the show…

http://flickr.com/photos/joshuaheller/4452150826
Yeah, something like this…

 

…because they have to get in all that stuff you normally do in 16 weeks and squeeze it down to just 6. I don’t know about you, but in my book, that’s dwarf star level of compression type stuff. Continue reading Summer A…

A Cross Country Trip…

Four guys are driving cross-country together — one from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York.

After a while, the man from Idaho starts pulling potatoes from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Iowa asks, “What the heck are you doing?” The man from

Idaho says, “Man, we have so many of these darned things in Idaho — I’m sick of looking at them!”

A few more miles and the man from Iowa begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Florida asks, “What are you doing?” The man from Iowa replies, “Man, we have so many of these things in Iowa — I’m sick of looking at them!”

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

***

Author’s Note

Being a native Floridian, I find this absolutely hysterical. Being married to a New Yorker and the son of a New Yorker just happens to be circumstantial and not any inclination toward my feelings about those two individuals… or does it?

From Mikey’s Funnies
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]