Category Archives: Funny

A Few Famous Putdowns…

Sometimes, you just meet someone that needs… nay, requires… to be put back into a functional orbital pattern around reality (as opposed to thinking they are in fact the center of the universe). In such cases, here are a few words that can be expressed and applied in any manner with which you like (I find sledgehammers work best).

I’d say use sparingly, however, chances are you will have to use judiciously because these people tend to not pick up the first, second or third hint.

 

FAMOUS PUTDOWNS Continue reading A Few Famous Putdowns…

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“TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS” (The Navy Version)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, compartments were still, The sailors were sleeping, as most sailors will.
The ditty bags hung by the lockers with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The men were all peacefully dreaming in bed As visions of liberty danced in each head.
The Chief in his skivvies, hopped into his rack, Having just came from town and a quick midnight snack.

When out on the deck there arose such a roar, I ran to the porthole to  find out the score.
I stuck out my head and started to shout, “Just what in the world is this noise all about?”
A moon made for boondocking showed with a glow, It was downright cold out, ’bout seven below.

What I saw out there looked like those Mardi Gras floats, T’was a Captain’s gig drawn by white Navy goats.
In the boat was a man who seemed quiet and moody, I knew in an instant St. Nick had the duty.
As quickly as Monday his Billy goats came, He whistled and shouted and called them by name.

“Now Perry, now Farragut, Dewey and Jones, What’s the matter John Paul, got lead in your bones?
A little to Starb’rd, now hold it up short, No fluffing off now, or you’ll go on report!”

He was wearing dress “Reds” that fit like a charm, His hash marks they covered the length of his arm.
The gifts to be issued were all in his pack, The gedunk was ready to leave on each rack.
His eyes they were watering, his nose caked with ice, He wiped it with canvas, then sneezed once or twice.
He opened his mouth and started to yawn, It looked like the Sun coming up with the dawn.

The stump of a pipe, he held tight in his teeth, And took a small nip from a bottle beneath.
He wasn’t so big, but he must have been strong, I figured he’d been in SEALs early and long.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old Tar, Who said “Evenin’ Matey, here have a cigar.”
He filled every seabag with presents galore, And left us all leave papers, right by the door.

With “Anchors Aweigh” he climbed back into place, A broad smile was  creeping all over his face.
One look at his watch and he started to frown, “This mid-watch is certainly getting me down.”
Then out to the breakwater and into the night, The gig started fading, the landscape was bright.

“Merry Christmas” he said, as he drove on his way, Now I’ll finish my rounds and sack in for the day.”

*****

From Mikey’s Funnies, a daily email I receive.

Top 10 Wrong Ways To…

From an email I get from Mikey’s Funnies

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TOP 10 WRONG WAYS TO INITIATE YOUR SON INTO MANHOOD

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.

9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.

8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.

7. Eat until you’re about to burst and then ride the Screamin’ Hurler roller coaster.

6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue.

5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, “You da man!”

4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom’s “personal things.”

3. Give him Grandma’s lime green Gremlin with personalized license plates that say, “TUFFGUY.”

2. Send the womenfolk shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.

1. Shot put catching.

A Little Steven Wright…

It’s the Friday before a three-day weekend! What better way to start that off than with some humor? My dad sent me this email a while back (so apologies if some of these are not accurate) and I thought, hey, why not post it for everyone to enjoy. If you have never seen Steven Wright, well, you have missed out on his deadpan monotone humor (which I absolutely love). Let everyone know which was your favorite in the comments, mine just happens to be 1 through 35… So without further ado…

The Quotes of Steven Wright:

Continue reading A Little Steven Wright…

Summer A…

Or should that be…

Summer, eh?

No… this is college. College needs be taken seriously. Yes? Now, straighten up. Better. Continue.

Ok, fine. Hrmphf.

So, Summer A starts today. For those who don’t know, in college, they split the summer semester up into to two 42 day chunks and push an entire 3 credit class into it. Basically, it’s the college equivalent of loading a clown car for the show…

http://flickr.com/photos/joshuaheller/4452150826
Yeah, something like this…

 

…because they have to get in all that stuff you normally do in 16 weeks and squeeze it down to just 6. I don’t know about you, but in my book, that’s dwarf star level of compression type stuff. Continue reading Summer A…