Top 10 Wrong Ways To…

From an email I get from Mikey’s Funnies

***

TOP 10 WRONG WAYS TO INITIATE YOUR SON INTO MANHOOD

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.

9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.

8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.

7. Eat until you’re about to burst and then ride the Screamin’ Hurler roller coaster.

6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue.

5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, “You da man!”

4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom’s “personal things.”

3. Give him Grandma’s lime green Gremlin with personalized license plates that say, “TUFFGUY.”

2. Send the womenfolk shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.

1. Shot put catching.

A Cross Country Trip…

Four guys are driving cross-country together — one from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York.

After a while, the man from Idaho starts pulling potatoes from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Iowa asks, “What the heck are you doing?” The man from

Idaho says, “Man, we have so many of these darned things in Idaho — I’m sick of looking at them!”

A few more miles and the man from Iowa begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Florida asks, “What are you doing?” The man from Iowa replies, “Man, we have so many of these things in Iowa — I’m sick of looking at them!”

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

***

Author’s Note

Being a native Floridian, I find this absolutely hysterical. Being married to a New Yorker and the son of a New Yorker just happens to be circumstantial and not any inclination toward my feelings about those two individuals… or does it?

From Mikey’s Funnies
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

Corporate Structure…

It’s Monday. The start of the work week. We all need a good laugh (because, you know, it’s kind of true).

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD:
Leaps tall building in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Discusses policy with God

PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is approved

VICE PRESIDENT:
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

GENERAL MANAGER:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals

MANAGER:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can’t stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to walls

TRAINEE:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building
Says “look at the choo-choo”
Wets him/herself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to him/herself

SECRETARY:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth
Freezes water with a single glance
Is the closest being to God

From Mikey’s Funnies

If you enjoyed this and would like to receive similar funnies in your email, make sure to sign up for them at the link above. Mike's a really neat guy, to boot. Yep, I said neat. So what...

21 Good Rules

From a daily email I get from Mikey's Funnies.
*****

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2. Marry someone you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

3. When someone says “Thank you,” reply with “You’re welcome.”

4. When you say, “I love you,” mean it.

5. When you say, “I’m sorry,” look the person in the eye.

6. Be engaged at least twelve months before you get married.

7. Believe in love at first sight.

8. Never laugh at anyone’s dream. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.

9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.

10. In disagreements, fight fairly. Agree to disagree. No name calling.

11. Don’t judge people by their relatives.

12. Talk slowly but think quickly.

13. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “Why do you want to know?”

14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

15. Say “Bless you” when you hear someone sneeze.

16. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

17. Remember the three R’s:  Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

18. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

19. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

20. Smile when answering your phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

21. Spend some time alone.

[forwarded by Adon Brownell]

CORN(y) ALERT!

Sometimes, you just have to share the (Mikey’s) Funnies….

 

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
A hog and kisses!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine’s Day!